Little Wonders

Another reason to write has appeared. I'm really in a good state of mind.

" Who you really are, the you that is happy, joyous and free has been asleep, and dreaming dreams of fear, lack and not-enough-ness. But you are enough. You are already perfect, so you don't need to change yourself. Your dreams of the you you'd like to be - you are already that person. Wake up to the reality of who you are. Focus on that you, and know that is your true nature.Love yourself"

This is exactly where I am right now. I have finally awaken to what I really am - or want to be - to what I want to do, to what I like, to whom I like...

What happened, you must be wondering...

It all started with my presence as a facilitator at InterCulturalPreparationSeminar, a conference held by AIESEC for people who are preparing to go on eXchange, the Global Internships Program that we provide.

What did this mean? It meant that I had to prepare in the beginning for about 10 sessions to deliver, on culture, cultural shock, gaoal setting, conflict solving, motivational stuff, get to know each other, team building... And I found out how much I like doing this, since I had all the sessions already pictured in my head, with the final outcome and the process as well.
The next step was meeting the conference manager, Urs, our national VicePresident on OutGoingExchange and receiving feedback on the sessions. It was surprising to see that my work was really appreciated and that I managed to design my sessions in a way that really made people feel "at home". Acutally, the whole conference was based on working in so called "home groups", groups of 15 people, which, by the hekp of the facilitator, shared experience, thoughts, feelings, thus gaining a very consistent and complex learning, being only guided to the final outcome by the facilitator.
Then came the virtual get to know of the whole team of facilitators. It was a very big team (18 members at first), with diverse backgrounds, ages (21 to 30 something :D ), but all having the same core interest: training/facilitating. At first I was a bit afraid/frustrated/nervous about the fact that all the facilitators had a lot more exprience than me, but then I finally came to sense and realized that this is an immense opportunity rather than a threat in any way. So I had as an objective to act like a sponge among the other facis and take from them as much as I can.
Then the final pre-meeting came... Where we all physically met. I realized from the first 5 minutes that I had no reasons to be nervous or anything like this, because, despite their ages or backrounds they were all...AIESECers, at their roots... So we connected at a snap.
The chair of the conference was also an amazing person, which managed to keep the delegates motivated, energetic and also entertained... (To think that she would trip on stage! :) )

Then, after a night of intense working, redesigning the sessions according to constant feedback from the facis, conference manager, and chair, and flipchart designing, a lot of coffee and very high hopes... the great day was there! The arrival of the delegates!
I remember the moment when they entered the plenary... It was like playing the opening act of a play... Here they were... The planning is over... The names in the Excel sheets, the "delegate profiles", the "assessments", were turning into actual faces...where you could read excitement, arrogance ("What the fuck are they doing there? - AIESEC roll calls - sorry Vlad, DANCES), shyness, high hopes, boredom... They were all there... Waiting for us to perform... The curtain was up, smile on the face, session outlines in the head, high hopes in the pockets, flipcharts in the backstage... Everything was prepared... time for us to perform and feel good :)

I will talk about the sessions in another post... But I learned everyday a lot... I became more adaptable, more proffessional, more open, more prepared, more energetic, more punctual, more... German :)) Urs really succeeded in making us keep the time, be short and concise, perform at our highest rate...

It's over... I have the sugarcubes on my bed, and the faci stories with pictures which I "stole" from the location... The "Gossip Papornita"... And music on the background... Little miracles, all of you, facis, Urs, Ale, my homegroup people, and all the delegates... You were my little wonders, that made me realize that I have a wonderful life, that I am taking the right steps, no matter the compromises, that I know where I'm heading, that I love myself.

I've never felt more enthusiastic, energetic, and ready to embarck on any crazy opportunity that is given to me. I have a lot of plans for my Erasmus semester, for this holiday, for next month, for tommorrow, and at the same time, I am more open than never to do crazy, unexpected things.

I talk more to people, I smile more, I explore the city, I go out a lot, I take pictures, listen to the music I like, eat sweets even if I'm not allowed, making great plans... Food for soul, that's all I'm looking for these days.

I'm looking for that person/situation who will burst my bubble to see if I'm really changed or it's just a "honeymoon effect"...

life is what happens when you're busy making other plans

it's true. for good things, but also bad ones.
there are a lot of decisions i have to take these days, and places to go, and stuff to do. and i relized i suck in this field. i'm shaking like a jelly in the face of important decisions i have to take or that others take.
i'm feeling good i guess. i needed a time to just relax, forget about everything that i have to do, must do, should do... i've relaxed, tried to go back to the things that made me feel good, enjoyed my time, shared stories, drank beer and wine, made pictures... i'm good, for now
but tomorrow... it will start again...whole school and @ and responsibilities stuff and i hope im gonna be able to keep up the spirit i have now.
and then the whole insane thing with the erasmus will start. i'm shakin', but keeping a clear, positive attitude.
and then 'rru an 'iuk will move together. and though i like the ideea from some points of view, i have a wierd negative feeling about it. hope i'm gonna figure out what it is.
and then andrei's father will have to get well from the surgery, and i'm gonna have to keep up his spirit and be there for him, give him all of me.
and finally... i'll start my new treatment and hope i'm not gonna have to take it from the start with the other ovary i have left...

so there are a lot of changes ahead, but it's gonna be oooooook... i'm a big girl, i can handle it.

so dont worry about what u were doing, are doing, or will be doing, about the changes ahead, however frightening they are... just live it as much as you can, leave the future plan aside, drink some wine, smoke some weed whatever u gotta do and just relaaaaaaaaax :x :)
(yes, this is a message for you:P)

Cuvinte

“Am vãzut oameni rãniti de cuvinte, erau gãuriti peste tot, semãnau cu sitele prin care se strecoarã lumina, nici umbrele lor nu mai erau intregi. Am vãzut si oameni inãltati de cuvinte, semãnau cu ingerii pe care ni i-a dat demult Dumnezeu”

"Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm..."

Deci sa tacem.

warriors of the world unite:)

si uite ca a venit si motivul care sa ma impulsioneze de ajuns incat sa am curajul sa scriu. curajul, entuziasmul, dorinta sa scriu.
azi mi-am adus aminte de o perioada superba din viata mea, dar eram prea emo atunci ca sa-mi dau seama de cat de frumoasa era cu adevarat. dar acum cand ma uit inapoi, imi dau seama ca n-o sa mai fie la fel niciodata. stiti si voi ce zic, acea perioada de rebeliune si senzatia ca timpul sta in loc, ca toata viata ta depinde de sentimentele de atunci, de ce se va intampla atunci, ca totul e o mare tragedie si o imensa bucurie in acelasi timp. si stiti ceva? asa si ea, poate. poate nu sunt doar senzatii traite din inertia momentului, pentru ca acum cand ma uit in urma observ ca intr-adevar, timpul statea in loc pentru noi, guvizii lenesi cu burtile pline de bere sub soare, ca viata intr-adevar ne-a fost schimbata de sentimentele de atunci, in bine sau in rau, mai mult sau mai putin, chiar daca atunci pareau doar niste imbarligaturi si drame telenoveliste, au avut un rol f important in ceea ce suntem acum, cum iubim acum si ce stim acum.
suntem toti imprastiati acum, care-ncontro, cine cu cine, care unde, cine cum, dar sunt sigura ca ne amintim cu totii de perioada aia, in care eram ca niste ciresari moderni :)) si desi fiecare are propria varianta de poveste, in functie de povestile de iubire traite sau neimplinite, de momentele ne clare din cauza betiei, de anumite lucruri pe care au preferat sa le stearga, cred ca nu gresesc cu mult daca zic ca pentru toti a ramas o perioada frumoasa, de care sa ne amintim, mai in gluma mai in serios ca fiind poate nu cea mai frumoasa perioada, dar cel putin inceputul unui lung sir de altele.
pentru ca pana la urma, am trait multe, foarte multe de atunci. si am trait de multe ori cu impresia ca da, ma, sunt implinita, am facut atatea anul asta, am iubit, am fost iubita, etc. dar acum deja realizarile astea au trecut la nivelul superior, ala "matur" si "responsabil", in care faptul ca ai 9,70 media pe an, ca ti-ai mai luat o responsabilitate in AIESEC, esti stident la doua facultati, ai trecut cu bine de o operatie, sunt realizarile care te recomanda ca a-ti trai viata bine.
dar ce ramane sunt oamenii, cu care iti poti impartasi momentele in care te simti cu adevarat in viata.
si desi in prezentul meu sunt inca, poate mai mult ca niciodata, prieteni care ma fac sa fiu asa cum sunt, si sa ma simt cineva in fiecare zi, azi intorc privirea spre trecut, si vreaus a multumesc acelor prieteni minunati, oriunde ar fi ei, oricat de mult m-ar mai cunoaste sau recunoaste, oricat de mult m-ar iubi.
Andi, Ioana, Sorana, Razvi, Rares, Silvia, Iulia... U rock dudes, si sper ca va amintiti macar o data pe an de vremea noastra de "guvizie"... Those were the times...

over and out :)

IOANA

IOANA


Ioana avea dorinte complicate.
Noaptea, dupa ce toate dorintele i se sublimau
in voluptati sonore si, apoi, in tandre taceri
ea se infasura in catifeaua intunecata a egoismului ei epidermic.
Numai asa putea sa adoarma: fara sa o atinga nimeni.

Trebuia sa viseze mult si neatinsa de nimeni
pentru a-si aminti cine este.
Rareori, cineva cunoscut se incumeta sa intre in visele ei:
era un lux pe care putine persoane si-l puteau permite.

Cand se trezea, incepea de multe ori sa planga.
Apoi cadea iarasi in sine, in vise straine, in amintiri necunoscute.
Gandurile ei se cufundau incet in memoria lumii
visele ei alunecau, in fiecare dimineata, in memoria colectiva a pasilor nostri
ca lumina si intunericul deasupra pamantului
aluneca trupul ei peste trupul meu.

Cand eram plecat departe, Ioana ma tinea aproape langa ea, scriindu-mi epistole frumoase, testamente incredibile, imi vorbea la telefon cu tristete despre melancolia pe care i-o provoca Liv Ullman in filmele lui Bergman.

Pentru fiecare sfarsit, Ioana avea o continuare pe masura."

mi-era dor de iubitafizica, mi-e dor de ioana asta...

sunt acasa si mi-e bine. si vreau sa creez. amintiri si vise noi. vreau sa traiesc intens si colorat... si vreau sa nu mai am muuuci :)

Long time no see

Mi-e dor sa scriu... Am facut blogul asta initial inainte sa plec la Vienna, aveam de gand sa scriu in fiecare zi... Am ajuns in Vienna si m-a luat viata pe dinainte:) Nu am mai avut timp nici de mailuri uneori. Am venit din Vienna, am trait multe momente si am avut multe ganduri care meritau pastrate, dar din nou, viata mi-a luat-o inainte.
Am pierdut ritmul ala, in care asterneam pe hartie ce simteam sau ce credeam ca simt. Evident, nici atunci nu era mereu ce-mi doream, scriam cateodata doar din dorinta de a scrie. Si totusi imi facea bine, cumva. Poate nu atunci, poate nu-mi dadeam seama, dar imi facea bine...Si imi face bine si acum sa citesc unele lucruri.
Asa ca iata-ma, cu primul blog, din nou incercand aceasta mica "terapie prin scris", sau cum imi place mie s-o numesc "terapie prin amintiri"....
Welcome a'board, va doresc sa va regasiti in ce scriu eu aici, atat cat vreti si puteti...
Singing out, for the moment.
Pupa mama.